No Football Player Left Behind

A little light-hearted humor for all my friends out their in the school system.

(from a widely dispersed email)

No Child Left Behind: The Football Version

1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they have won the championship. Coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship, their footballs and equipment will be taken away until they do win a championship.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. No exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.

3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own without instruction. Coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in 4th, 8th and 11th games.

5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals. No child gets ahead, therefore no child is left behind.

If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that screen out non-athletes. Parents can then rest assured that their children are not attending school with bad football players.